Michael Capewell

Sept. 23, 1999

Johnny liked to think that he was a pretty unique individual (1). Intelligently smart (2), sharp of wit, devilishly handsome, he could think of no reason why he couldn't find himself a girlfriend.

Johnny was getting tired of spending all his time alone by himself (4), so he decided to take time away from thoughtfully pondering (5) what he should write in his pointless Shakespeare essay (6) Tuesday and from his deathly boring Algebra & Geometry (7) homework (he was getting sick of proving that collinear lines were linear dependent and that linear dependent lines were parallel and that parallel lines were collinear (8)) to cruise for hot babes (9) in his fifteen-year-old, piece-of-junk 1984 (10) Ford Mercury Topaz (11). He went into his storage closet (12), donned his best clothes, and took off for the densely-populated city (13).

He met many cute chicks (14) in the city, but they all seemed to take offense to him. Several slapped him, kneed him, or otherwise battered him, and one even punched him with a closed fist (15), knocking him out unconscious (16)!

Upon coming-to, Johnny found himself lying prone (17) on the ground in a wet puddle (18) next to a city park bench on which a man was sitting.

"Down on yer luck, eh?" noted the man. Johnny got up, sat on the bench, and told the man of his problems, hoping he could get some helpful advice (19) about his situation. The man Ned said he knew what would cheer Johnny up, and proceded to tell the most offensive dirty joke that Johnny had ever heard, making him blush redly (20). Despite this, they continued talking. Several minutes later, Ned declared why he thought Johnny couldn't get a date: "You're too much of a wise-arse."

"What!?" cried Johnny, and the two began exchanging derogatory insults (21), such as Ned calling Johnny a "stupid idiot (22) and a "smelly skunk (23)" and Johnny saying that Ned "wouldn't know what colour an orange was if it were written all over it."

"That's it! Let's take this inside!" said Ned (It was really cold out that day). They started running in the direction of the closest buildings, passing the still statue (24) of the huge elephant (25), circling around (26) the tall water tower (27), crawling on all-fours (28) through the tin metal (29) hollow tubes (30) in the field near the construction yard, jumping the separating fence (31) in front of the local seafood restaurant, and then they entered the eatery, where many young children (32) were eating.

Inside the restaurant, the two found some empty space (33) where they could continue their quarrel.

"The end result (34) of this fight is obvious! I'll beat you to a bloody pulp! I will kill you until you are dead (35)!" yelled Ned.

"I should give you advance warning (36) that I am a black-belt master (37) of Kah-rah-teh." enunciated Johnny, calmly.

"Ragh!!!!" yelled Ned as he charged at Johnny. Johnny deftly used Ned's momentum to begin a throw, but when the two had collided the button on one of Johnny's sleeves had buttoned into one of the button holes on one of Ned's shirt's sleeves (38), so both careened into the lobster tank, causing it to shatter and break (39), spilling its contents all over.

So, one must remember that mixing an acid wit and base sense of humour will result in salt water.